Breaking Down the Wall

Well, here we are with my first published post. Let's hope it's not the last. I've always been a "last minute" person; I might just get this site up and running, and then I'll be nipping off home.

When you've spent most of your life being self-sufficient, it's very hard to let people in. I believe this is a predominantly male thing, sometimes passed down through the generations. We don't seem to have a problem expressing our negative feelings, but when it comes to opening your heart up and letting people in? That was an alien concept to me.

As I'm writing this, I remember when I first gave my life to the Lord. Somebody had actually given me one of those "Sinners' Prayers"—I'm still looking for the Bible references for that old "1, 2, 3, repeat after me." Anyway, I read the prayer, screwed it up, and threw it away. I knew it was a heart issue. Psalm 24:3-6

King James Version

3 Who shall ascend into the hill of the Lord? or who shall stand in his holy place?

4 He that hath clean hands, and a pure heart; who hath not lifted up his soul unto vanity, nor sworn deceitfully.

5 He shall receive the blessing from the Lord, and righteousness from the God of his salvation. I acknowledged the life of sin I'd been steeped in, and I knew that I needed the saving grace and the blood of Jesus Christ, our Redeemer, to cleanse me and make me whole. 1 John 1:7 - "...and the blood of Jesus Christ his Son cleanseth us from all sin."Ephesians 1:7 - "In whom we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, according to the riches of his grace;"2 Corinthians 5:17 - "Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new."Isaiah 1:18 - "...though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be as white as snow…"

That was the first time I truly opened my heart. I kind of stopped there; after all, it was just me and Jesus. Who else did I need? Getting hurt in church when I was a young Christian tended to reinforce my earlier belief that I only needed Jesus and the Holy Spirit to guide me. I have always had my own brand of compassion for others—I didn't mind helping people out—but I would never accept any help for myself.

Where's all this leading? Quite often, you can recall defining moments in your life. One of mine was in a hospital bed, with my wife holding my hand. I was looking through all the "get well" cards and I couldn't contain myself anymore; I started to weep. "The Lord is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart; and saveth such as be of a contrite spirit" (Psalm 34:18). I think my wife thought that I was feeling sorry for myself, but it was far from that.

One of my brothers had made a card for me commemorating our last trip to Arnhem. My father was a parachutist in the Second World War and was captured at the Battle of Arnhem, so the male line of my family went to commemorate the battle. The picture was of us all together around a memorial. At that moment, I realized how much I was loved and how much people were upset about my predicament. It wasn't a case of feeling sorry for myself; I found it hard to cope with the pain and the suffering I had caused other people.

All the walls I'd put up throughout the years came tumbling down. I could have dismantled them myself, but I was too proud and arrogant; the Lord, by His mercy, did the job for me. As it says in 2 Corinthians 12:9, "And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness." When people feel sorry for me with all I've been through, they often don't understand that it's due to the mercy of God and not punishment. I definitely would go through it all again to end up spiritually where I am now.

I felt quite vulnerable when all my walls had gone, I even told my wife about my theory; when I had my multiple blood transfusions, I lost all my manly blood and was filled with women's blood. There's one thing I definitely know: I'm never rebuilding them. The only ones I'm interested in now are the walls of Nehemiah to protect the people of God.

Nehemiah 4:6 reminds us: "So built we the wall; and all the wall was joined together unto the half thereof: for the people had a mind to work." Quite often, I'll think of the early days—the "honeymoon," as some people call it. We'd be singing praises, singing songs like "Make me, break me, mold me, shape me." But when the Lord actually starts to do it, we can get quite offended.